True Love and False Love

There is love that seeks a return and love that asks for nothing. Those who give love expecting something back give it only when there is something in it for them, and when they do not receive the return they expected, their love gradually loses its light. People who look for a return cannot be happy, because they find no contentment; their unhappiness ends up wearing on the other person too, so that as time passes, no one is left around them to help. Giving love for one’s own gain is like tossing a pebble into a river. With no reward in it, such love does not last long, and even the relationship drifts apart. Such people are satisfied by nothing they do, love or anything else, and their lives are likely to be empty. True love must aim, as Jesus did when he gave himself to save us, at this: that the other person, having received the love I give, will turn to God. But because human calculation comes first, such love ends up hindering the other person’s life, and even their faith.

But those who love from the heart come to others wanting to help them, so unless the other person betrays them, the outcome is always good. They hope that their love will help the other grow and find stability, and because they have no thought of getting back what they gave, they can give true love.

Whether we give love as a way of passing on to our neighbors the love we have received from God, or merely imitate love out of human calculation, the results will tell. Some people give little, yet always have many people around them; others seem forever to be giving love, yet are alone. From this we can tell that people know whether the love they receive comes from the heart or wants something in return.

Between parents and children, too, between siblings and between friends, if we insist that we must be repaid for every bit we give, our hearts grow anxious and empty. If you are hurt whenever the other person fails to answer in kind, and angry whenever they fail to repay you as often as you gave, that is no longer love. When we share the gifts God has freely given us with the neighbors we love, God will fill us to overflowing, and like a spring welling up, there will always be more to share however much we give, because God pours out greater blessing on a contented heart.

I once met someone like this. They complained that they had given gifts twice and received only one in return, and grumbled that what they had given cost so much while what they got back was cheaper. It is wise to keep such people at a distance. As far as I can see, they have entirely forgotten the love and the gifts they have received and think only of what they have given. Once we are gripped by the thought that others are not repaying our kindness, from that moment our hearts become a kind of hell. Then no good relationship can be kept up, not because the other person has changed, but because our own heart has. That said, a gift should not be given merely for our own satisfaction either. If the one receiving it is offended or hurt, it is no longer a gift. It is best to give something truly precious to us as well, something prepared with the other person in mind. To give what we have no use for, or what is past its date, or what we merely could not bear to throw away, is in itself a failure of character.

There are also people with a peculiar temperament. When others are poorer than they are or are going through hardship, they treat them with genuine kindness; but when others do better than they do, or something good happens to them, they grow angry and cut off the relationship. Then, just when you think it is over, trouble comes and you get in touch again, and they sincerely help you and take you under their wing once more. In other words, they gladly help only as long as the other person stays beneath them and is suffering. Some people love unconditionally, without calculation, as God does; but to form relationships only when there is something to gain, or only with those worse off than oneself, is to admit one’s own inadequacy. Relationships last when we form them with a wider heart.

In 1 Samuel 18, Saul has exactly the kind of temperament I have been describing. Whenever he was recognized less than someone else, the envy and jealousy in his heart made him miserable. David, by contrast, paid no attention to people; he cared about how God would lead him in everything, and he obeyed God’s word. Saul’s nature was fundamentally averse to sacrificing himself, to sharing, and to seeing another rise. Work with someone like that, and things begin well out of necessity, but in the end both sides will be hurt and part ways. Saul was always self-centered; that is why, though he himself was king, he could not tolerate David being honored by the people.

Human beings have an instinct to show that they are superior. But to put one’s own superiority on display, rather than being lifted up by others, is in itself a sign of a small heart. Such people are easily swayed by praise, prefer receiving to giving, grow proud when they do well, and suffer when others do well. This is how people behave when they carry a sense of inferiority. Those with an inferiority complex are uneasy whenever they are recognized less than others, and rather than listen, they seize every chance to lecture, which makes it hard to keep any relationship going.

Just as a balloon rises naturally once you blow air into it, Saul would have won the respect of the people if he had simply fulfilled the role of king that God had entrusted to him. Even if the people followed David, Saul was already king and had nothing to fear; yet he was always on edge. He behaved this way because, though he sat in a high place, he knew how small his own capacity was, which made it impossible for him to bear David, a man of greater capacity than he. Had Saul admitted his own smallness and asked David for help, he would have remained king of Israel forever. A king is a king even when he is humble; a king is a king even when he does not play the part. When a king slips out in disguise to learn the mind of his people, he is still the king though he wears common clothes. So if Saul had taken a lower seat when everyone was gathered, people would have urged him to sit in the place of honor, because they acknowledged him as king. But people of small capacity try to exalt themselves, so when others are able and gifted, they cannot embrace them, and they only expose their own shortcomings. For such people, failure follows as surely as a fixed law.

When we have room in our hearts to acknowledge the gifts and abilities of others, we no longer feel threatened by them; instead we gain the wisdom to make use of what they can do. The more capable they are, the more fully their ability can serve as a stepping stone for our own success. But those who, like Saul, will not acknowledge anyone who gets ahead of them will be acknowledged by no one, and above all, failing to receive God’s grace, they will fail. Those who, like David, build up the people beside them can give the same love, because they have received the agape love God gives. They know that this love is soft as thick snowfall, full of thanks and joy; so they do not scatter love thinly like sleet but pour it out until it is more than anyone can hold.

God’s love is noble and eternal, because it is not a love that wants something in return from us; it is an absolute love in which he gives his own life. May you love with such a love. Whoever the other person may be, I hope you will love them first without expecting anything back, and forget the love you have shown. But if you have received love, you must not forget that kindness until the moment you die. Those who never forget the grace and love they have received are able to do great things, because they know that love can bring a soul to life.

John 14:12

12Most certainly I tell you, he who believes in me, the works that I do, he will do also; and he will do greater works than these, because I am going to my Father.

Jesus said that if you believe in him, he will help you with his own power, and because of that you will be able to do greater works than he did. This is true love. A heart that helps someone yet cannot bear to see them do better than oneself, that builds them up yet cannot let them grow bigger than oneself, is no longer love. If you have helped someone, you must help them sincerely so that they can grow beyond you. Such a heart holds the love of God; it is the mark of a mature believer who knows true love. Parents do not envy their children, however great their success; in the same way, helping your brothers and sisters in the faith to grow spiritually is working together for good, and through it the Kingdom of God can spread. When you do this, God will lift you higher and glorify you, and he will help you live a life without shame.

David’s victory over Goliath made him the center of attention for Saul and for all Israel. The whole nation praised him and honored him. But even though David had rescued Israel from death, Saul envied him for the love the people gave him.

Verse 1 tells us that when David told Saul he was the son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, Jonathan, who stood listening nearby, came to love David as his own soul. Jonathan had had no chance to build any special friendship with David; that he nevertheless loved him as his own life was because God had given him that heart. God did so because, with Saul hating David, only one person could protect David’s life: Saul’s own son, Jonathan. Only Jonathan, the prince, could learn of the king’s plans and stop them, and so God placed him at David’s side. When we live according to God’s will, then, we need not fear people or circumstances. Asking how we may live by God’s will is how we live our lives well, and to be content at all times with the life we have now is the secret of a long life.

It was Saul who should have praised and thanked David for saving the nation. Yet Saul saw David only as a threat and never thanked him for the loyalty that had saved the kingdom. Saul was too small a vessel to hold one as large as David. So when a leader or a superior is small, lacking wisdom and lacking love, the people around them cannot grow, and life becomes wearisome.

When it says that Jonathan’s soul was knit with David’s, it describes a bond tied fast with a chain that can never be broken. That is how clearly Jonathan recognized spiritually the man whom God had chosen, and he kept their friendship grounded in trust and love. The more the people praised David, the more Saul sought to kill him, but Jonathan loved and cherished him all the more. As Saul’s heir, Jonathan was the one who had reason to be wary of David; yet he helped him, because he knew that God had chosen David. To act as Jonathan did is by no means easy. If you were a prince and someone more gifted than you came along, would you hand that person the throne? You would try to use their gifts to gain still more power. But Jonathan protected David with all his heart.

As David returned from victory over the Philistines, the women came out to welcome Saul, dancing and singing. Since no warrior could defeat Goliath and the nation had been about to fall, how grateful they must have been to David, who had saved their lives!

In verse 7 they sang that Saul had slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. When Saul heard the song, he was displeased and began to watch David. If the king himself was given thousands and David ten thousands, it is only natural that he would be displeased. Who would not be offended to hear a subject exalted above the king, the ruler of the nation? Had Saul been wise, though, he would have raised David’s achievements still higher before the people, so that David might labor all the harder. If God is the king of Israel, then Saul the king and David his servant were both working for the glory of God, and the blessing they enjoyed would be the same. And every border widened and every spoil taken through David’s victories belonged to Saul and to Israel. Rather than raging at what people said, then, had Saul honored David, the people would have honored and respected Saul all the more.

But in people, emotion comes before reason. The words that David had slain his ten thousands and Saul only thousands made Saul furious, and that fury led in the end to his own death and the death of his sons. This is what people of the world look like when they have not been born again. Suppose you worked alongside someone under you, and that person were praised and recognized more than you; how would you feel? But if you have wisdom, and stop to think once more about what purpose the work serves and why you are working with this person, you will not make that final choice. In the same way, the work of God’s people is the work of God, so if we strive to help one another, God will lift up and glorify us all.

Jealousy gave Saul no peace, and Satan used that evil heart to afflict him further. In one sense, it was perhaps not so much the evil spirit that troubled him; it would have been the envy and jealousy he felt toward David that clouded his judgment and made him harbor murder. When we look at people who suffer in their minds, they are in distress because they cannot let go of what is within them. Unable to let go of greed, envy, jealousy, or despair, they torment themselves and hand that heart over to Satan as his tool.

Verse 12 says that Saul twice hurled his spear to kill David, but was afraid when he saw that God was with him. Saul meant to kill David, but because God was helping David, things did not go as Saul wished. Even an earthly king can never harm one whom God is helping; and because David had wisdom from God, he could foresee what Saul would do and escape it.

Having failed to kill David, Saul offered to give him his elder daughter Merab, on condition that David fight the Philistines. He calculated that even if he did not kill David himself, David would die in battle against the mighty Philistines. When David declined Saul’s offer, Merab was married to Adriel, and when Saul heard that his younger daughter Michal loved David, he devised another scheme. If David brought a hundred Philistine foreskins, he would give him Michal in marriage and take him as his son-in-law. To marry Michal, David would have to kill a hundred Philistines, and once again Saul reckoned that David might die at their hands. Saul’s jealousy kept preparing places for David to die. In the same way, the world fears that God’s people will receive his love and be saved; it therefore tries to kill them spiritually. Once it cuts them off from God, the Lord of life, their souls die and they become children of Satan; that is why it never stops trying to kill them.

For David to marry the king’s daughter would guarantee him a comfortable life, and worldly people would envy him for it. But for a child of God to become the son-in-law of a worldly king is to be given more opportunity to betray God, so it is no place to feel secure. Still, just as Joseph became prime minister, a believer who marries a king’s daughter may find that this hard circumstance becomes an instrument of good, as long as their faith does not change.

Saul told David to bring a hundred Philistine foreskins in order to have him killed, but David brought back two hundred. David, a child of faith, stopped the mouth of Saul, who moved as Satan directed. The wisdom of God’s people is an instrument that brings Satan’s plans to ruin, and it can make a Saul who drives them toward death ashamed of himself.

Like David, you must act knowing that Satan works to obscure the glory of God, and you must meet Saul, who is in Satan’s grip, with an understanding of the plans that drive him; only then can you live a life without shame. In danger and in peace alike, David asked God which way to go. He prayed about which path his life must take to reveal God’s glory, and he obeyed as he was commanded. It was this that enabled him to become the great king who united the kingdom.

The time Saul spent troubling David turned out instead to be a great help in David’s life.

Through suffering he met God more deeply; in order to thwart Saul’s plans he grew wise; and he came to love those around him all the more. What matters is not whom you share your life with, but where your heart is turned. The conduct of those beside you has no power over your life. It is the fallen leaf that drifts away on the water; the leaves still fastened to the tree never fly about. Those who stay close to God, as David did, will not fall however hard Saul shakes them, and they will not be blown about by the winds Satan sends.

I hope that you too, like David, will have the precious faith that asks God’s will and does it even in hardship. Then God will give you the eternal heaven you are bound for, the wisdom to discern spirits, and co-workers who will help you as Jonathan helped David. Those who love God receive love, and those who look to God receive wisdom.

May you always be treasured saints who hold the torch of faith high. I bless you in the name of Jesus Christ.

1 Samuel 19:17-24

17Saul said to Michal, “Why have you deceived me thus, and let my enemy go, so that he is escaped?” Michal answered Saul, “He said to me, ‘Let me go! Why should I kill you?’” 18Now David fled and escaped, and came to Samuel at Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. He and Samuel went and lived in Naioth. 19Saul was told, saying, “Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah.” 20Saul sent messengers to seize David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as head over them, God’s Spirit came on Saul’s messengers, and they also prophesied. 21When Saul was told, he sent other messengers, and they also prophesied. Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they also prophesied. 22Then he also went to Ramah, and came to the great well that is in Secu: and he asked, “Where are Samuel and David?” One said, “Behold, they are at Naioth in Ramah.” 23He went there to Naioth in Ramah. Then God’s Spirit came on him also, and he went on, and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah. 24He also stripped off his clothes, and he also prophesied before Samuel, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Therefore they say, “Is Saul also among the prophets?”